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Neighbors Growing Together | Jul 31, 2014

Confused teen who had sex now regrets that she did

By DEAR ABBY - Abigail Van Buren | May 29, 2013

DEAR ABBY: I’m a 14-year-old girl who recently had sex with my boyfriend. It was the first time for both of us. A week and a half later, we had a big fight.

Another problem is I am having a lot of feelings for his best friend, and he has feelings for me, too. I don’t want to tell my boyfriend because I love him and don’t want to lose him. I also don’t want to ruin his friendship with the other guy.

My boyfriend wants to have sex again, but I don’t. I wish I could take it back. What can I do? — LOST AND CONFUSED

DEAR LOST AND CONFUSED: Just because you had sex once does not mean you are compelled to do it again. Feeling as you do about the best friend is a strong sign that as much as you care for your boyfriend, you are not in love with him.

If you are being pressured to have sex, it’s important for YOUR sake that you tell your boyfriend you feel it happened too soon, you’re sorry you did it, and you have decided to wait until you are older to start again. It would be an intelligent move for you because your affections appear to be all over the map right now.

I am also concerned because you didn’t mention whether you both used birth control. It’s a sign of maturity when couples plan ahead and take precautions to avoid an unwanted pregnancy. (And yes, a girl CAN get pregnant the first time.) In fact, there’s a word for teens who have sex on the spur of the moment and don’t use birth control: It’s PARENTS.

DEAR ABBY: My friend is a compulsive talker. “Chatty Cathy” draws detailed descriptions of people I don’t know and don’t care about and lingers over past and current tribulations. I tolerate her behavior because she’s a kind person, but she is oblivious to how much she dominates a conversation. It’s like something compels her to fill every silence with monologue.

Her personal and work relationships suffer because of it. It’s hard for her to hold a job, and she often becomes upset over this co-worker’s or that family member’s behavior. It is always the other person’s failure, yet she is always in the center of the commotion.

She has had a tough life, partly of her own making. If I try to send subtle cues of uninterest, she doesn’t pick up on them and keeps talking and talking. I feel sorry for her. Is there anything I can do to help her, without seeming critical? — EXHAUSTED LISTENER IN HAWAII

DEAR EXHAUSTED: Not knowing your friend, I can only guess what drives her to talk compulsively. Some people do it because they feel the need to prove to others how smart they are. Others do it out of nervousness or insecurity because they are uncomfortable with silence — even if it is a momentary pause in conversation.

Because her behavior has had a negative impact on her employability, the next time she mentions problems at work, it would be a kindness to suggest to her that, because it’s happening repeatedly, she discuss it with a psychologist. That’s not hurtful; it’s helpful.

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Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Write Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

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