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Neighbors Growing Together | Nov 29, 2014

Woman who wants her options isn’t happy with one man

By DEAR ABBY - Abigail Van Buren | Oct 22, 2013

DEAR ABBY: I'm never happy with just one partner. It's not that I want to go out and have a different man every night of the week – just some options. I'm currently in a polyamorous relationship, so seeing other men is OK. But my boyfriend is now asking me why I feel the way I do because he is considering becoming monogamous again.
I crave something different from man to man and seek whatever the other one doesn't have. I have been with my fair share of guys, yet there doesn't seem to be one person who has all the qualities I need in my life. Should I just stay single and noncommittal forever? – FICKLE IN FORT WAYNE
DEAR FICKLE: Perhaps not forever, but for now, yes, until you meet someone who has more of the qualifications you're looking for. When you do, you may finally realize that in successful relationships some degree of compromise is always involved.
DEAR ABBY: I recently married a wonderful woman I have been friends with for years. I was always secretly in love with her. We are very happy together.
The only problem is that her ex-husband, from whom she has been divorced for four years, was violent. If I try to brush her hair away from her face or make a sudden movement of any kind, she flinches or panics.
I have never been violent with anyone, and I know she has PTSD from her past marriage. How should I sensitively broach the subject of counseling to deal with this serious issue? – CONCERNED IN THE MIDWEST
DEAR CONCERNED: When it happens again, tell your wife calmly that you know it's a reflex and see if you can get her to tell you why it happens. At that point you could suggest she talk to a counselor because you love her and would never hurt her, and when she flinches, it hurts YOU that she's still carrying around this heavy baggage.
DEAR ABBY: I am 25. My husband is 50, and we have been married for three years. We are in a healthy relationship, raise his 12-year-old together and are trying for our own children. We have plans for the rest of our lives, are in good health, have regular checkups, and our life insurance and estate planning are in order.
But, Abby, sometimes I find myself worrying about his age. I cry when I contemplate spending a chunk of my life alone because I don't think I could ever love anyone else as strongly as I do him. My husband is my rock, my reason for living, and I'm grateful for every moment I have with him.
I'm psychologically well otherwise. These sad feelings don't last longer than a few hours. Is this normal? Should I talk with someone about it? Should I just tell my husband my feelings and remind him how much he means to me? – HAPPILY MARRIED IN HENDERSON, NEV.
DEAR HAPPILY MARRIED: Your feelings are normal for a woman who is fully invested emotionally in her husband. However, if your anxiety over the possibility of losing him increases, by all means talk to a licensed mental health professional about it.
As to your last question, whether you should confide your feelings to him, it would be a beautiful compliment to let him know you don't take his importance in your life for granted or the joy he has brought you. But don't be surprised if, when he hears you say it, he says the same thing back to you. You both are truly blessed.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Write Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

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